Salvation Not Found in a Hallmark Card

What does salvation actually look like? As I re-read the book Radical.  That question has been weighing heavy on my mind for days now and it only has lead to more questions and an aching hunger for God to answer. The intensity of this book is self-explained in its title and has uprooted the beautiful ache of my heart--to return to my First love.

As a sinner I was bound for Hell. For loneliness. For fiery evil and He took me from that. Salvation is not a task I can just cross of my list after completing it. It's an entrance into the narrow path. A gateway into understanding God done through fear, complete abandonment, and wholehearted love for a Man that came down and dragged by body out of the pits of Hell. I can't put salvation in a cute Hallmark card or celebrate it like a birthday party as if its a one day occasion...it's a call to live a lifestyle given over to Christ. We need to stop wasting our time with finding cute phrases of how non-believers can say the magical words and be instantly saved. There are close friends I know that are not saved. Many nights I ponder if they ever really will believe in God. But in truth…many people 'believe' in God...but do they live their lives for Him? Today the church is preaching a nonchalant, easygoing Jesus. They fit and manipulate God's character in a way that works best for them. They work Him in to the areas that need a boost of happiness, give Him two hours of focus on Sunday and Wednesday night bible studies, and think they have mastered the "art of Christianity". But God is completely other than anything we can create Him to be. Salvation should cause us to cringe in our skin at the darkness that surrounds us and drowns us. It should cause us to fear what will happen to us if we don't give everything to Him. It should cause was to have a deep groaning to touch His presence and love Him more each day. If we are to read the Bible for truly what it is we will see that salvation is not a certificate of completion, but an entrance into knowing Him. Salvation is the kindergarten stage of the Kingdom focused education system.

We have settled in our hearts that that one-day when we are feeling hopeless and emotional and we haven't eaten or slept for 12 hours and we say yes to Jesus that that's it. Life as a sinner going to Hell is over and we now sit waiting for our crown and sash. But I refuse to believe that is all. We are a wretched, selfish generation to think that God exists to make our lives comfortable and easy here on earth. As my pastor always says, Please do not hear what I am not saying. I believe that we can't earn anything from God, by His grace He freely gives and enjoys blessing His children, but that is not the sole reason why we were created. We are meant to glorify Him with everything that we have. We can't treat God like a gumball machine that He gives candies to. He's more than that. We are the broken He is the healer. He loves us in our weakness; He loves us through the days we struggle to love back. And He desires that for all the days of our lives we cry out to Him for help.

The Lord is so freaking kind. He waits patiently for that day we look upon Him to be our savior and instantly accepts us into our love, but I can't accept the idea that you say yes to Jesus, live your life as you desire (looking no different from Jesus haters) and still be in perfect union with the King of Kings, Lord of Lords. It doesn't make sense. He deserves more than that. He is worthy of everything we have--all of our attention. We cannot degrade Him to some homework assignment we complete to just maintain happiness and well-being. He isn't some 12-step program we can just go through for six months and graduate. He is a God of process, the finish line to a lifelong marathon. We can't expect to go a fourth of the distance and know Him fully. He is an infinite God--we can never know Him 100%. But that is the beauty. He, in His "I am God, nothing for Me is impossible" ways show us that if we are completely dependent on Him He will take us through.  We are called to run the distance and endure the daily struggle to oppose the world. We are called to choose Him. Every minute say yes to Him. We are called to die to ourselves because when we lose the world, we will gain Him and eternity.

I want to stop preaching the message that we should be saved JUST to escape hell and start screaming at the top of my lungs that He's worthy of our complete adoration simply because He is the Creator. He is the one that made all of this come to be. He is the sole reason of yours existence and mine. He is beautiful and majestic and unlike anything else and for that reason I want to know Him. Not because of what He can do for me in my life, but because of who He is; He gave up everything to be with me so in return I should give Him my small pee-wee anything of a life to Him.

Salvation is the beginning into picking up our cross and denying ourselves. It's a journey of daily dying. I can't just sit back and leave salvation at a small prayer we say to Jesus at a conference one weekend and believe that we are living a life completely devoted to Jesus. Don't you think if this life was just meant to escape Hell then when we say those magic words we'd instantly be in Heaven. But that's not the case. There is a reason we stay on Earth even after we say yes to Him. That is only the beginning. To truly love Him we must obey Him. We must look in the Gospels and follow what He commands. To sell everything, leave the comfort of the world in order to find eternal life. I am not okay with the entire reason of existence being watered down to a short ten second prayer of inviting Jesus into our hearts. Anyone can say it, but can we actually do it? Can we actually allow Jesus to come into our heart and plow out the darkness, the greed, the pride we carry in the accomplishments of the flesh? Can we allow Him to remove everything that the world finds worth in and let it be replaced with the things a poor, Jewish carpenter finds worthy? Can we let Him groom us into vessels for His work instead of attempting to hire Him on staff to maintain our self-proclaimed, self-glorifying cruise ship? Can we lay down the workings of our hands and daily pick up His desire and plans?

Oh how I so badly want to say yes to all of those questions. But in honesty I can't. So many parts of my life are trapped under the fear of man, the disbelief in His PERFECT leadership. so many times I step back and try to fix the flaws myself. I put God on hold until that moment I really need Him. But I always need Him, not sometimes, not just one time. It's impossible for any human who was created to worship the Lord, live in the true fulfillment of their calling and not know Jesus. It's sounds almost like common sense, but we so often look for it somewhere else because its easier than facing a God who offends people through love.

As I leave the comfort of home, say goodbye to the luxury Orange County so openly offers, the cry of my heart is to return to my first love. To once again have that feeling that if I let go of His embrace I will stop breathing; the reality that when I am attached to His presence only then can I survive. I want to lay it all down again and find joy, true joy in doing so. Because nothing is mine, in this world there is nothing I own except a choice of good and evil and what I choose will determine my end, my eternal home. Our bodies may stop working on this earth, but one day, one day we will again rise and every one of us will forever be very, very alive. Where will we be, heaven or hell? The choice in this vapor of life will answer that question. Will it be in the presence of perfect love or the torture of emptiness?

Once again I am declaring abandonment. I am crying out for a spiritual strength to leave everything behind for the One that gave it all. I am a lowly branch connected to the eternal vine and without Him I am nothing.

Lessons Hidden in the Aftermath

Following Jesus is not a promise for an easy life. We do not say yes and in exchange receive an instant happy pill. Unlike our societies fast-food, "I want it now lifestyle", God enjoys a process. He likes leading us step by step and along the way teaching us how to be more like Him. This Christian walk is hard. We will mess up. We will struggle. Our pride will crash and burn in the most inconvenient, embarrassing ways possible.  But that is where God's teaching course begin. He takes our mess ups and transforms our hearts to deal with them like Jesus did.

We can't walk this life with the mindset of how not to fail. If we do, fear of failure will only cripple us into complacency. We are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world. We will mess up--it's inevitable. But it is the aftermath of our failure, of our stupid inevitable hiccups, that God uses to show us how to live a life rooted in Christ. In those moments where our pride is broken and all we want to do is quit and believe the lies that things will never chance we must look at the face of Jesus. We put ourselves lower and repent. We forgive those that have wronged us. We delete the past and move forward into what He has called us to, into the process of loving Him. 

Oh how I am sick of getting caught up in the idea that we all deserve equality or to be treated "fairly".  In all reality our human nature screams sin! We don't deserve kindness. We aren't worthy of forgiveness. We don't even deserve Heaven!  The only reason we have an inheritance is because a sinless Man died on a cross to be with us.  We pride ourselves on being right and not making any mistakes. We attempt to walk through life as the perfect poster child. But God has a different plan. He destroys our pride and teaches us how to walk in humility. That is where we find Him. That is where we grow in love. This life is not a one way ticket to Heaven. Jesus is offensive, He is challenging, but He wins us over when, in that,  He doesn't leave us. He uses those struggles as a stepping stone to dive deeper into His love. His promise is not happiness, it is eternity in perfect love. He likes watching us evolve into loving Him. He smiles when we lower ourselves and forgives despite whether the person deserves it. He enjoys us turning to Him in desperation when our hearts our beaten down and torn to pieces. 

Oh God how Your plan is intricate and detailed and I don't understand it, but I believe it is perfect and for that I open my arms and will follow. Teach me how to love better. How to put on the face of Christ. I want to love the same way you love. I want to be so transparent that as I talk to others they look through me and see You. My flesh is weak; rooted in selfishness, anger, lust. It wages war on my spirit. Help me listen to You and not the voice of my worldly desires. In those moments where my pride is ripped from me and I am left empty, I want to go lower. Take me deeper to the place where I can see You face to face. 

I will endure the process if it means I get to be with You all the days of my live. All of this struggle and pain will be worth it one day. In the midst of a prideful world chisel mine away.  In those moments where I am wrong teach me how to react rightly. Let me walk in humility as Jesus did.
I can't make it on my own. I can't breath without You inflating my lungs. I can't learn without You as my teacher. So come Jesus and reveal to me Your ways. Teach me how to respond in the aftermath of failure. I will follow. 

The Endurance of Burnt Toast

The other day a friend turned to me and said, “Holls… Jesus is actually coming back.” We were sitting on a giant cement block of a World War memorial looking over the Kansas City skyline. I had never been there before this night and I sat staring at the lights that illuminated the night sky. The cars moved, the sound of a train’s horn bounced between the tall buildings and people, each with a story, walked through the winding streets. And so we sat for three hours covering almost every stereotypical conversation that usually occurs when looking out over a city of lights. We were discussing how we sometimes cling to the very things that suck us dry. And in that moment, oh in that sticky mess, how we so badly just want our hearts to align with the logic of our minds. It is at precisely that moment where she mentioned His second coming.

Everything in this life is unto that day where Jesus rolls back the skies and comes for His bride. I feel so often that part in the story becomes a footnote put aside for a later time. It becomes this ethereal thing that each generation lazily and carelessly hands the responsibility over to their children and children’s children. But that only makes us ignorant. The Day the Lord returns should be the center of our life focus always. It should be the one event we prepare for more than any other. Our society is so mesmerized by the accomplishments of the flesh that we often miss the true meaning of life. We cling to comfort. We search for easy living, a day-to-day walk that doesn’t make us too tired or stressed. happiness thought to be found in luxury and accomplishment; the more zeros in our bank account total makes us better than another with one less. But in reality, making our first love a career or house or even a fancy car is nothing in comparison to knowing the Lord. Jesus isn’t going to come back one day and wonder what the interior of our car looks like; His priority is what our heart is focused on.  That must be our goal—our end. We must walk daily towards the truth that He really is coming back.

I sit here in this prayer room and I am hit with the terrifying truth that I now live in Missouri. For the past week I have had random freak out moments that cause me to pause and shout, what the heck have I just done! They have come when I am waiting for the officer to write me my speeding ticket, when I’ve burnt rice twice and once again have to settle with toast (that also burns), when I use a 50 cent fork to cook entire dinners. It is those moments when my closest friends leave and I am left alone in a house that is 85 degrees and infested with demon-possessed crickets that defy the death trap of a lawn mower where I wonder how I landed here. Why I ever chose to leave the sweet bliss of my hometown. But it is also in this prayer room that I find my answer. As we sing, "for from you are all things and to you are all things” I am reminded why I came. I am living to prepare for a wedding that will be my gateway into eternity. These sweet moments in a prayer room I’ve spent so much time in causes my heart to yearn for more of Him. Nothing else matters when we are exposed to the love He has for us to be with Him where He is.

My friend is right. Her heart is focused on our upward calling as the inheritance of Jesus. In the midst of trial and tribulation she turns to Her father, to the One she moved here for. She is an intercessor fighting to know who our God is. She defies the world’s lies of comfort and instead gazes upon the beauty of a Man who is actually going to come to us. We don’t come here for easy living, but for a meaningful chase after Jesus. He is coming back. He wants to marry His bride. He wants to bring us perfect love. That truth makes everything else manageable.  When I’ve killed my 7^th spider for the evening and my prayer room walk home buddy is 4408 miles away and all that I’ve known in the last 6 months is gone,  I can find comfort in His unchangeable being. I can look back at His face and know He has not left. I continually return to the basics, the milk and honey, and answer the simple redundant question: why am I here? In a place that has no need for indoor steam rooms I have come for only one thing: to know the One who has stolen my heart and to prepare for a wedding feast that is promised to occur. He is my reason. His 2^nd coming is why I endure the taste of burnt toast. He has stolen my heart. Against all opposition, all laziness, any movement that occurs around me, I will run to my Bridegroom because one day there will be a wedding and I want to be dressed accordingly. 

He Stares and Time Stands Still

I read in John 8 about the Woman caught in adultery and this is what I imagine:

The Uncreated God locks eyes with the eyes of a young Jewish girl standing alone. He knows her; He remembers when she was created, every crumb of her being thought out. The curve of her body, the shape of her lips, the sound of her beating heart sewn together to create a uniqueness that will never again be cloned. What was it like in that moment to stare back at the eyes of the One keeping the stars in the sky and sustaining her breath right now? The Maker stares at His perfectly designed masterpiece and can recall her as a small child; remembers the time when He took His hands and painted the color in her eyes. The Incarnate, dwelling outside the colorful canvas of the universe, places Himself right in the center of all the flesh, bone, blood that makes up humanity and stares at His beloved, His soon to be bride. "She turns away, she denies my truth and yet I still love her," He patiently waits.

This woman caught in the ultimate shameful act, stripped of all privacy and dragged through the streets of those who mock her, now stands bare, undone, vulnerable in front of her only reason for living. He stares and she stares back and time stands still. "Has no one condemned you?" Her King asks. Time still frozen. She whispers back to her Maker, "No one Lord." And then that moment comes that we are all waiting for; the one that we live for. When our King looks into our soul and judges with a judgment only found under the mercy umbrella held by the Uncreated One. He says, "neither do I condemn you, go; and from now on sin no more." I can only imagine what that statement did to the inside of her; what she must have felt like in that moment. Those words have the power to make her fully alive. That gaze has the intensity to shake her inner core as the truth is unveiled that the One who made her does not see what the world sees. Though the world drowns Her heart with darkness, His breath washes clean every crevice of her soul.

I feel like this young girl. Darkened from the world, but lovely to Him. He peers through me and knows me better than I know myself; not because I always let Him in on my life, but it is because of His working hands that I can ever be one to be known. Twenty years ago for me and outside of time for Him I became a thought amongst the communion of the Godhead. As the three-in-one dwelled together and within each other a moment came where I was desired; a blank canvas was laid down and my Father drew up my existence and then named me. I was not a random object placed here by mistake; my life was perfectly planned. He carefully chose every trait and feature that would mold together to make up my form. I started as an idea, an intricate plan, and was made alive by just one simple blow of His breath. He is my Master and I His puppet; with my strings attached to the Heavens, He, without mistake, controls my every movement. In, out; inhale, exhale—I breathe because He lets it be. His gaze into my heart is no change into what He has always been doing and will do. Even when I didn't want Him He was always speaking and I closed my ears. I turned my eyes from my Designer, from my Papa, and sold myself to the world's opinion of satisfaction, but He stayed near. "I love you," He screamed as I scratched hopelessness into the hips He handmade. I found comfort in the arms of others, yet His arms stayed open, empty—waiting for me. My thoughts dwelled in the bondage of fantasy of what I could be, while my pathway He calls good laid open waiting for the trail of my footprints. So with this passion, with His all-knowing love He bruised my heart with His gaze that never leaves. I will take your pain His compassion shouts. I take your sins His scars prove.

So here I am again—bare, stripped, waiting for His love to fall afresh over me once more. As the young Jewish girl I stand in front of my Maker tainted by the deception of this fallen world waiting to hear what He calls me. He sees into my inner core and calls me pure.

"I love you lord," I whisper under my breath and in Heaven He moves. "I put my trust in You," I say (half believing).

"Okay here I am for you to trust" my Maker responds.

I stare back at my Father, my Redeemer, my Husband and give myself over. In this moment my strings are pulled and I stand upright walking with His strength--alive with His light. I can feel my blood flow and my heart burn and I know that His hand is touching my frail, weak body--I fall in love. In this moment I find my resting place just as the young Jewish girl experienced 2000 years ago. I am safe. I close my eyes and see Him gaze as He sings over me and within me. As a Father He embraces me, as a husband He calls me beautiful, as a Maker He restores me to my original being. And as I stand motionless listening to His melody I wish that time didn't have to start up again.

A White Wall Always White

I used to have a white wall. It was beautiful and bare and without blemish. Put it in a museum or at an open house and it would speak of freedom and safety, freshness and purity. There was an innocence to it for the wall had never before left its created whiteness. And within it anything was possible. The imagination would soar with what it could look like and become, dreams that could one day be reality. But what happens when this white wall isn't white anymore? When it becomes stained with color and every white spot disappears? When it becomes wet with red and dark red colors that drip down from top to bottom soon causing all the white to disappear.  My wall is no longer new and pure, it has been exposed to the outside world--touched by color. People come and carelessly paint over my blemish free wall. They expose it to greens and blacks and different shades of gray. They don't see its beauty. They don't see thats how my wall was made, thats the color it was meant to be. They only see emptiness waiting to be exposed to the destructive color wheel.  They don't enjoy it's presence. "That's how I was created," the white wall shouts. But no one hears and the screaming voice becomes quieter as it is slowly covered by the darkness that it now lays beneath.

Soon my wall has every color causing it to have no one color. Each pigment blends together, eyes look upon it, but no one can give it a name. It's identity lost among the array of colors layered atop each other. Though over time the paint fades and loses its brightness the wall does not go back to white. Where will my wall find its whiteness?

When I thought there would be no resting place, no place to call home for my once white wall there appeared eyes that looked with a gaze of complete adoration. They are altogether different than the eyes that failed to give my wall a label.  These eyes stare with a fiery passion and loving intensity as if they've seen my white wall before it was tainted with the hands of humanity. The sun finds its resting place under the earth and then meets the sky once more and the hands on the clock twirl round and round yet the One staring at my wall never leaves. "I see" a Voice says, "I see the white. I see its roots, I know it's origins. White is the foundation, the first layer, I see it."

Where do the colors go in these gazing eyes? Why can they see beyond the ruined surface? How can they see into the darkness of each layer? All other eyes stare and do not see, but these, glistening with flames, look and know the truth of my wall. The voice says once more, "I see because I created it. I am the Maker, the Designer, the Artist of this white wall. This wall I painted with My own hands. No color can taint it; it is perfect, without blemish. An open canvas to imagination, to creativity--to the purpose it was created for. Oh how I love My white wall," the Voice proclaims "Though the world touches it and only sees the blended darkness, I see beauty and purity. I see originality and uniqueness. I see my beloved adorned with the innocence I first painted. This wall is my masterpiece and I will forever call it white."

Walking in the Light

We are so blind to what actually lives inside of us. We focus on the meaningless little things and forget that the actual sustainer of life is inside our bellies right next to that yogurt, half an orange and 11 pieces of M&M carrot cake flavored candy some of us had for lunch. Many of us are naive to the powerful truth that our bodies were actually built for more than toning for a six pack and dressing up like dolls. We are machines that hold God and have the extraordinary gift of finding the true Word within. In Corey Russels book “The Glory Within,” he compares this obliviousness to having a “billion dollars in our bellies, yet most of us live on 20 cents a day” (Russell, 40). We often wonder why we don’t experience the power of God though He is living inside of us and the answer is because we aren’t actively responding and pursuing the call God has set out for us.

When one doesn’t know the love of the Lord and power of the Holy Sprit our inner beings are dead. Without the love of God we are just walking around and making noise. There is truly nothing to live for. But when we confess the truth of Christ Jesus everything changes. Corey Russell mentions that, “when Adam and Eve fell, the Life that dwelt deep within them suddenly left, and they were alone” (37). This is what it is like to deny God, to not know His love—we are alone. But God has brought Holy Spirit, who Jesus himself also calls the Helper, to spiritually guide us through this natural realm thus living in supernatural ways. Through our inner being we bring together the spiritual and natural realm—a small foreshadow of the days to come in the New Jerusalem. “[Holy Spirit] tears down, uproots and destroys everything in us that is not conducive to the life of God and everything that is not aligned with His holiness;” (110) He is the sweeper to the cobwebbed and blackened places of our heart. Praying in tongues first strips us to then strengthen us with a shield of holiness. God gives us 24/7 access into wearing the breastplate of God’s protection. When we pray in the Spirit it strengthens our souls and we are not the same; “we are building within our Spirits a house where we can experience communion with God” (105). How cool is it to be anywhere and have access into feeling the tangible presence of God? Prayer is dialogue, the more we pray to the Spirit, pray in the Spirit, the more “we will end up looking like the Holy Spirit” (47). The Spirit makes us walking vessels of light. We can put on that shield, walk into the darkest places, and not be affected by it. It gives us peace, yet makes us vicious warriors. It calms us, yet violently awakes us to the full power of God.

It is vital that we get a correct view of Holy Spirit so that we may actively pursue relationship with Him just as God intended it. Praying in the Spirit can be one of the most powerful tools into living a radical lifestyle of seeking after God wholeheartedly. When spending devoted time in praying in tongues it opens a gateway at which God uses to show us the deep things of His heart and the details of His kingdom that we could never imagine with our finite minds. We were made to actually hold the living God. The same God that made the pillars shake is living inside and says to us, “let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price” and we get to come!  

A Battle Between Oil or Dry Bones

At IHOP people have multiple positions, titles and jobs. It's not shocking to hear that your favorite worship leader might also serve you your coffee every Monday morning. Even those that seem like they do nothing or just one thing have a plethora of hidden talents and one day you'll see the section prayer and usher leader center stage with an acoustic guitar worshipping the God who made him. Singers and musicians make their way around the merry-go-round of instruments and some even finish the day off with a sermon to a 1000 thirsty souls. Misty Edwards is one of these singer-musician-preacher-everything-ers and she does it well. Today she tackled the speaking portion and did…well how Misty always does—phenomenal. I have heard her live a few times, in fact my favorite word ever heard was spoken from her lips as she broke down in detail the sustaining beauty of God described in Isaiah 40. But this afternoon, when taking us through the Parable of the Ten Virgins as she paced back and forth with her Misty Edwards one-of-a-kind strut I realized why I love her so much. Why every time she speaks my heart breaks and I find myself re-committing my passion for Jesus. Why that same Isaiah 40 message gives me new bullet wounds when I hear it. It's not because of her mad piano skills, perfect pitch, or even perfect dreads (although every time I see them I want them on my own head). But as she talked, and sometimes yelled, the truth and my heart beat faster with adrenaline it became clear that she is truly madly in love with Jesus. She knows Him as a friend, as a soon to be Bridegroom, as a Jewish man that is also fully God who died for her and so in return she will give her everything to be where He is. When she speaks the name Jesus it is not just a person she reads about or hears from a story like a game of telephone. To her, Jesus is someone she actually knows and enjoys. You can tell that she has spent time with Him—sitting at His feet, dining with Him, feasting on His glory.

This behavior Misty exudes mirrors the exact point she was trying to make with the parable. In Matthew 25 Jesus compares the Kingdom of Heaven to the likeness of 10 virgins preparing to meet the bridegroom. Most likely "virgin" is in reference to the redeemed and the "lamps" their ministries, so they were 10 believers who not only loved Jesus, but also had ministries about and for Him. The only difference between them is that five virgins brought oil and the other five did not.  The oil is the sustainer of the lamp; in this case it represents intimacy and relationship with Jesus. Jesus is explaining that we need a deep connection to Him in order for anything we do to be effective. We can accomplish things on a mass level for the body of Christ and make it look pretty from the outside, but underneath it can still be a valley of dry bones. The five virgins that brought oil practiced the First and Great commandment and put intimacy above all else. The other five were like the church of Ephesus who forgot their first love. They became lost in ministry and ignored the importance of getting to know their bridegroom on a personal level. He gives us the invitation to the wedding feast, but in order to go we must know Him. “Knowing Jesus” is having a conversation with Him. Asking Him questions and listening for the response—taking time to hang out with Him. It is vital that we learn from the five virgins that wasted their life and emptied their oil. Misty Edwards can speak a good word, sing a beautiful song, but if she herself does not have a living, breathing relationship with God it means nothing in the end except foolishness. She knows this reality. She knows it is a fight against complacency; a battle between oil or dry bones, foolishness or the wise, Because everything in life is unto death, unto persecution, unto that one day when Jesus comes back and I do not want to be a foolish virgin with an empty lamp. I want the oil before the lamp, the intimacy before the multitude. I want ministry as a secondary—an after thought in comparison to personal relationship with Him. I want to sit before Him on that Day of Judgment, look into His eyes that burn with flames of fire and have Him say, “Holly I know you and you know me." 

The 25th Elder

Every minute Jesus is interceding. Every moment those surrounding the throne are worshipping the living God. The throne room never stops. It never silences. It never gets distracted or loses focus. In Revelation 4 we get a small glimpse of what is happening in Heaven. We learn about weird creatures that have eyes all around, elders who can't stay on their feet, a sea of glass in front of a giant throne, a glorious rainbow and melodies directed at the Creator of all and it never stops. When we sleep, when we eat, when we are busy worrying about the weariness in our hearts, Jesus is still there at the right hand of the Ancient of Days interceding on behalf of His inheritance, His people--speaking my name. Those creatures eyes never turn from gazing upon the One with eyes of fire and the elders never cease to fall down over the revelation of His beauty. They are constantly preparing for the time when the spiritual realm and and natural meet to overcome darkness for forever and yet in this world so many hours are spent wasting life away. How much of our lives are wasted on meaningless things. How many conversations with Jesus do we miss out on because we are too busy stressing at work, fighting in relationships, standing in another freakin line in the supposed Happiest place on earth; we never realize how much the little things add up. 

For two months I have not been able to get the 24 elders out of my mind. They fall over and over again and never get tired. Every time they fall, they worship Jesus, get back up, then something else about Him amazes them, so they fall again. I know I've probably used this same idea in posts before, but I offer no apologies to my repetition. In fact what I am learning is that God’s Kingdom is repetitive. It is all about love. All questions and statements about God traces back to one truth: everything that He has done, is doing, and will do is for the sake of love. That little beast of a four letter word is in every part of His plan and God uses it to captivate the hearts of His elect. This is why as believers we do what we do. We enter into day and night prayer because He loves us. We love others because He loves us. We lay down our fleshy desires because He loves us and we want to love Him back. He created us for relationship, for communication with His heart, for us to sing a song to Heaven. 
The elders teach us something about prayer and worship. It's interesting that those currently closest to the throne room are ones that are in day and night prayer and worship. I 100% believe that we are called to pursue a sermon on the mount lifestyle striving to be like Jesus, but in that we can also learn something from these elders. The throne room is not a futuristic idea; it is not a room that will be made one day, but one with current movement that has been from the beginning of creation. We are not given Revelation 4 as just a "heads up" for what will soon happen, but as an example of what prayer and worship should look like in the eyes of the Lord. Of course we are still living in bodies that require food and sleep hindering us from accomplishing literal 24/7, day and night worship, but we are called to a daily prayer life. Luke 18:7-8 says that "God will bring about justice for His elect who cry it to Him day and night..." He built His kingdom atop communion with His creation. He values the daily process of seeking after Him. His heart is moved when we respond back to His voice. When we give up everything, no matter the price, and join the chase to His heart. He enjoys when we listen to Jesus' cry for us to deny ourselves, to daily take up our cross, and follow Him (Luke 9:23). The more we engage with Him the more intimate of a relationship we have with Him.
In Revelation 2 Jesus proclaims to the Church of Ephesus that He has seen “[their] works…and patience endurance and how [they] cannot bear with those that are evil” but He has one thing against them that they "have abandoned [their] first love" (Revelation 2:2-4). Good works, ministry, even corporate worship means nothing if we do not love Jesus with all of us (or at least attempt to). Without practicing the first commandment our prayers and worship become noise; a friend of mine calls it “lip service.” At the end of the age when Jesus returns I do not want to stand before Him and Him tell me He does not know me. I do not want a life wasted, a life of meaningless lip-service. We are all given different ministry callings and people to love on each other, but His first hope is that we will love Him even when no one else is around. To God, love is sacrifice. He sent His son to die for our sins so that we are able to dwell with Him forever. He wants us to die to ourselves and put on the breastplate of Christ. This life is about community, yes, but the root is a deep, personal relationship with the Maker. He is jealous for our voluntary love—choosing Him even when the world presents alternative plans.
Those surrounding Jesus in Heaven break by just looking at Him. They fall because they can't get enough of who He is. They are in so much awe over His beauty they can't stay on their feet. I want to be this moved by Him. When His presence touches me, even the slightest bit I want to be forever changed by it—a new creation He continues to make new again through His love. I want to literally fall down like the 24 elders--become number 25. It may sound crazy, but knowing that my body literally loses all strength and control when experiencing revelation of His glory is beautiful and it is what I am after. Imagine the testimony that comes from randomly falling down at work or when in line at the grocery store--people will ask what happened and the answer can be, " it was the presence of the Lord." I am after a lifestyle of forever saying yes to Jesus and His kingdom—laying down everything in order to follow His plans. I want an intimate and constant conversation with Jesus—a personal phone line connected to His heart.  If other Jesus seekers and worship music, even the prayer room was taken away, I want to be a child still seeking after my Father. When no one sees me, I want to dwell in His presence and spend time with Him. I desire a relationship that makes me unshakeable amongst the flesh. Forever I wish to sit and commune with the Man that plucked me out of darkness and gave me a spot in His inheritance. I want to be wrecked by the sight of His glory because His presence sustains me, His voice is my heart beat, and by His desire I will live forever, joining in with the song in Heaven that has never stopped. 

Jesus is Not Fun-Sized

Jesus is a real man. He is not a giant man, He's not a mini man, He is not fun-sized, but a normal sized man. He was born a baby and left hanging on a tree. The King of kings, Lord of lords walked among the earth with weak and broken people (and He meant it that way). He stormed darkness with light. Its crazy to think that the man we worship everyday, the one I came to this internship for, the man we’re supposed to sacrifice it all for actually lived on the same land that we live on. He is the ultimate celebrity who proved to be a servant. He did not come “to call the righteous, but sinners.” Imagine just knowing Jesus is alive on the earth and knowing the truth of His identity. Imagine the feeling you would have if you could actually be near him, face to face, in full body form. The reality that you could travel to see Jesus as simple as we travel to see our favorite band play.  He was on the earth, and yet died with everyone denying Him. This picture is only a small foreshadow to the life promised in His second coming. One day the Man sitting on the throne will return and split the sky with His fierce beauty. In that time all will bow to the holiness and His judgment will fall over the earth. We will get to one day walk with Him. We will see Him face to face and be awestruck by His beauty. No longer will there be pain or mourning for His presence—He will be here. He will cast the reprobate into the lake of fire and His elect will meet Him in the sky to live together forever.

In my Sunday night usher group we are doing gospel meditations. At first the idea of meditating on one verse for 2 hours (maybe even longer) made me cringe. Everyone in my group was so excited about it and I sat in the corner on the dark gray chairs wishing I could be listening to the beginning of Abby Bennett’s set. The leaders kept proclaiming the power of meditating and how they would probably be one of our favorite parts of the internship. There was even a pep talk about how it was okay to cry and share our emotions to the group during debriefing. Cry over a sentence? I was so confused. That was until last week when I was that girl who walked in the room crying like a baby. In Luke 1 Elizabeth and Zechariah get filled with the Holy Spirit in order to conceive John. Six months later the angel Gabriel appears to Mary to tell her she will carry Jesus, the Son of God in her womb through the Holy Spirit. When Mary visits her cousin Elizabeth and enters the room the sound of her voice causes the baby in Elizabeth’s stomach to leap. "Pre-born" John didn’t jump over Mary’s voice, but at the sweet sounding presence of God that was resting inside of her. Before He was even born the Holy Spirit moved John’s tiny peanut-sized heart; he was captivated by love. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for the two women throughout their pregnancy. The Holy Spirit had not yet come to the Earth, yet they were filled and it was the very thing that gave them both their children. From the beginning the power of Jesus was touching the hearts of men. Jesus, as God and fully man, came to redeem every sinner.  He left the sweet dwelling place of the Trinity to become a man and sent Himself to the lowest place He could go. He was the only baby that new He was going to be one. He became a bundle of cells in a young Jewish girls stomach so that He may relate to man in order to save us. Jesus came down as the new Adam sacrificing everything to redeem a people that were brought into corruption by one man’s deception.

Read on further to Luke chapter 2:1-7 and the tears in my eyes can now fill a small lake. While on their way to register themselves in Joseph’s hometown, Mary gives birth to Jesus. They are in Bethlehem, around 200-300 miles away from home, and there is no room in the inn so what do they do? They lay the newborn in a manger outside. Meditate on that verse for even 10 minutes and it will sting your heart with love. The Son of God was put in a manger and, once again, God purposefully intended it that way.  Not only is He fully God brought to earth and made man, but He spent His very first night in a place meant for animals. From the very beginning of His life on earth Jesus walked a servant lifestyle. He did not come as a pharaoh’s heir, but a carpenter’s son. He was poor and greatly unaccepted. Mary and Joseph were presumed by there family to be walking in sexual immorality, yet they were fully doing the will of God. He grew up a normal kid. He obeyed His parents, learned proper manners, and needed to be comforted if He hurt himself. He peed and He pooped, yet was completely 100% God. This may sound offensive, but so is the reality of how much we deny Him while fully aware of His torture on the cross. Every time I ponder that thought the Trinity crisis in my head grows. And to think He spent His days learning the trade of carpentry until His ministry started at age 30. We don’t even wait that long to start our own ministry work. So what was the point of the first 30 years of his life? It was to spend time in sacrifice and intimacy with the Father. For 30 YEARS He dwelt in secret with the Father. Every nail hammered, every yes to His parents, every secret prayer done was to grow in a relationship until He was called to His ministry that then only lasted around 3 1/2 years. He has forever been living the Sermon on the Mount lifestyle; humbling Himself in order to get close with us and teach us His ways. We were created for companionship with Jesus. The one Most High became a sack of cells, was born in a manger to a carpenter’s son, and died a sinner’s death all to have me as His inheritance.

How can I not give you everything Jesus.

Spiritual Bug Eyes

I don’t know what to say, but I know I am supposed to write this. This is one writing about three different people posted on three different blogs about one God. Genesis has been blowing all of our minds. God has plucked us out of our individual lives and placed us together to break our hearts over His deep and crazy love. And we are letting Him. Sunday mornings have been titled blogging Sundays, I think after this session it should be called, “Spiritual Vanilla Chai Tea Latte Day.” What started as a morning of writing the thoughts of our last week has turned into an intense awakening to the being of who is God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit in one. He’s so intricate and knits together a girl from Southern California who can never get warm, another from Georgia with the greatest raccoon hat known to man, and another from England with a right obsession for tea and saying the phrase, “like a beast” to be ravished over the same part in the Bible all at the same exact time. We’re a weird match and its perfect. Over this last week God has given us eyes like bugs to read Genesis. They are big and bulging and have an anointing to read the Word like we’ve never seen it before. They have adopted the name Spiritual Bug eyes and I pray they will stay forever.  He has revealed to us, all in one moment, His love for us. He has molded our hearts into loving God the Creator, God the Maker. All of this world, every single tangible and spiritual thing in life goes through Him. John 1 says, “All things are made through Him and without Him nothing was made that was made.” Our question to that was simple. Why? Why would He create the world, why would He create each one of us knowing that we would sin? Throughout the week He revealed the answer in a few very tangible ways—because He loved us. Reading that you may say, “That’s Christian 101.” We said the same thing. But this is different. He took us and He broke us into the full impact of what it looks like. Every class, every sermon, every five-minute conversation while standing in line for the shuttle revolved around God being the Creator. We took this as a sign that He wanted to take us on a journey and we were right to listen.

The first occurrence happened in the prayer room when the first girl asked God to allow her to love Him with the same love He has for her. Suddenly her heart was being squeezed and physically ached. God himself, in that moment had taken her heart (her actual physical heart) into His actual hand and squeezed it. He said, “my heart aches like this for you everyday, all the time, this is how much I love you. My heart physically aches for you.” And then her heart broke. Mine happened over three days. It started with extreme pain in my ribcage, an ER visit with no diagnosis, and a continual discomfort that felt like a little man was in the inside punching out. After prayer the pain went away and was replaced with a sensation that felt like a hand holding my rib. God in that moment says, “I am holding your rib to remind you of your beginnings. There was pain because you had given a part of yourself to the world and now I am taking it back.” And for the rest of the night the tangible presence of God was touching my rib; holding the very beginning of my existence. And when we didn’t think anything more could happen (oh our tiny flesh-like brains) God touches the third one with lighting-like pains down the inside of her body and we all fall down.            

As we continued to write in the café and be ravished by more of God the presence came over us. We looked around to see if anyone else looked crazy too, but it was just us. Holy Spirit was blowing His power over the entireties of our bodies and we prayed for an increase. And then it happened, the specific moment that made us stop everything we were doing, praise Jesus, then write about the glory of this God we know nothing about. We realized that all of us have glitter on the palms of our hands. After searching for the source and failing we realized it was not glitter from the things of this world, it was gold dust from the power of God. There were no words, no sounds, just three truth seeking souls looking down at six hands that the Creator of all things made. One says, “I’m so hot I want to be naked, but I’m freezing,” and we all understood its meaning. We were drunk in the Spirit and could not move. Friends came by our table and we didn’t respond, we couldn’t respond…what do you say that doesn’t make you sound crazy? But it’s not crazy. It’s not fake, it’s very, very real because He is. He squeezes heart, carries ribs, sparks bodies and brings spiritual gold dust to the flesh of Jesus chasers all because He loves us. And in this moment, right here in a coffee shop drinking the best vanilla chi tea lattes with our shiny hands and individual touches of God on our internal organs we fully receive that gift.­­­­—God loves us fully. He has permanently engraved His love on our hearts like an etch-a-sketch. He’s infinite, yet opens the curtains of Heaven to gaze at three small grasshoppers in the corner of a small coffee shop on a normal Sunday morning.

White Washed Tombs

Genesis 1:1 says, “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” And in John 1 it reiterates, “all things were made through Him, and without Him not any thing made that was made.” He is the only uncreated being who has been forever and will be forever. He took the waters, expanded them, and created earth. Why?  He was completely in union with the Godhead. There was nothing that He lacked and yet He created night and day and all plants and birds of the air. But again, why? And then He created man in His own image (whatever that image might look like, ponder that for years) and gave him dominion over everything. He gave man a perfect dwelling spot, the most beautiful oasis ever known. And then man is deceived and falls and sin enters the world that will one day be redeemed by the blood of His only Son. But remember—God is the only uncreated thing. Everything else, this entire world—sin, darkness, freewill, the cross, was all known by God.  While I do not believe that God created sin, He did create man and an angel Satan knowing that both would fall out of perfect holiness with God. So again why? He was completely satisfied without us. He knew Jesus would die because He created it that way. How can anyone who experiences this truth not fall down in worship? And to think He did this because He simply desires a relationship. That’s it. That’s the answer to all of this. He wants the glory of us choosing Him. He wants us to enjoy the process of loving Him. He created freewill because all He wants is for each of His creations to choose Him over everything else.  He knew Satan was going to fall from Heaven; He even gives Him authority to tempt Jesus for 40 days. In Isaiah 53 it says that it was the “will of the Lord to crush [Jesus]”; that He delighted over the cross. This at first seems crazy. And to flesh eyes it is. But put on the lenses of the Kingdom and learn that this is so God’s personality. He loves us.  And the only way we could be with Him is if His son brought death to sin. (Where there is light, darkness can not enter). We were enemies and He never leaves. The cross gives life. It leads many to be “accounted as righteous” as “we were redeemed without money.” 

His kingdom is completely upside down; backwards from anything that we know (or think we know). I mean we sing it in songs, talk about it while standing in line waiting for coffee, but when we actually come to know what it means everything changes. When we get small chips of revelation there is no time for half-meaningless singing, no strength to stand in lines, there is only room in our hearts to cry out to God. Society has corrupted us. We believe success is based off of strength. Satisfaction based off of fun. Happiness obtained in the fruit of the “here and now” But in truth that is nothing. In truth, if we go back to that gem of a book known as Genesis we will learn that we are prisoners to God’s rules and by His reign alone we are supposed to live. He calls the poor in spirit, the meek, the merciful to claim the Kingdom of Heaven. When we finally realize we have literally nothing to give is when God smiles down and says, “Finally now put down everything and follow me.” In those daily abandonments to Him true joy can be produced through the process of relationship and time. Like trees that do most of their root growth in the winter when it does not bear fruit, so does God do with our hearts towards Him. They are greenhouses at which He cultivates. Though we cannot see the fruit in the beginning God is still moving in our hearts.

 Immediate rewards give us nothing in the end. Like the sower who’s seed was devoured by the birds and scorched by the sun because there was no root. As humans (both believers and non-believers alike) we tend to lean on the same process. We’ve been taught to grow up and out; more money, extreme intelligence, even bigger churches is ultimate living. But it leaves us with a house built on sand and when the wind blows the humpty-dumpty house falls down. Jesus is our cornerstone, the first and strongest part of the foundation. Without Him we have nothing. He desires our hearts more than our outside appearance and riches.  That is why He stops the healing revival and preaches the Sermon on the Mount. That is why He called the scribes and Pharisees whitewashed tombs for they appeared beautiful on the outside, but their insides were dead. He’s offensive, but it is because He wants us to go deeper and grow roots that will withstand the persecutions and not just appear to be strong through knowledge.  God cleanses out the toxins from our greenhouse hearts and takes time to root us in love so that we may bear the healthy fruit of His kingdom. He does this to create encounter, to plow a space in us so that we may be able to walk with Him in the cool of the day like in the days of old.

The Ultimate Alternative

I am discouraged when God does not fix people right away. When I pray in faith and really mean it and then nothing happens. I open my eyes, check in on the thing I prayed for and everything has stayed the same. Corey Russell during our Burn class made the point that God has not come to fix things, but to create relationships with us. This has stayed with me and started a battle within. Its truth stings the very same spot as my frustration over "failed prayers.” It involves patience and I’m really bad at sitting and waiting. John 3:17 says, “God has not come to condemn the world, but that it may be saved through Him.” This tells the reason for Jesus’ visit to earth. He came to break bondages. He walked the cities to bring the Word of His Father to the hopeless and in the end suffer so that sinners may live. How nuts is that. He brought the ultimate alternative—the truth of humanity.

I never understood how life could be limited to an average 80 years (a super star if you pass 100). I refuse to believe that we are born, master the art of communicating, learn to bake a cake and peel an orange only to end up in a wooden box you can buy at Costco. There must be more than this. And there is. His name is Jesus. A third of the Trinity brought down in the form of man to destroy death and its modern day “no big deal’ viewpoint. We don't just die and become skeletons. There is Heaven or Hell. And they are both very real. There is eternal beauty or forever suffering in the lake of fire. He brings a way that has true purpose. Why would anyone pick 80 years over forever in a Garden with no pain or tears? All He asks is to give Him us. Give up attempting to control ourselves (and failing) and to let Him take care of us.

He's asking for my burdens. He's asking to hide my anxieties in Him. It's so simple and yet I so often am reluctant to release control. I instead fall to believing in flesh, that I can be better at life than God who created all things. I am a living testimony of what the power of God can do to a person. From death I came into life. I was empty. The black sheep that He washed white as snow. This is not said to boast in my transformation, for only God can have that glory. This is to fall humble before my Beloved. How can I sit here knowing what God has done for me (I've only brushed the surface into His all-consuming heat) and believe that He cannot do it for others? I have a spirit of pride in me when I believe that my entire being can turn from sin and obey the righteousness of God, but another walking in darkness cannot do the same. Who am I to minimize the power of the living God? His task is to save. His desire is for a relationship with the very thing He made. He does not obey by our time. His plan is perfect. Let not man step in the way of the Maker restoring communion with the broken.