Chocolateless Whiteness

My thoughts on a Friday night:

I scream to the sky asking to be let out of this place. Four walls surround me like a box that height has no end. At least I think its a box.. it looks like it. It is cold, bland and white paint cover already white walls (a friend of mine would call it the fun and loving color). There are no windows, no doors and I am stuck standing in the center confused as to how I got here. I feel like I entered Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory as the little boy who shrunk himself into a television. He was in white too, but he had chocolate with him. I wish I had that. Instead I am alone (without chocolate), small, puny and feeling so weak. There is no one around and all I can see is a bright blue sky above me. It is day time, but I cannot see the sun. It must be somewhere else hanging out with people that are not in a box. I would be. Life is happening and I am here in this freaking box. Those selfish people. 

I take a giant breath of “white-box” air and scream towards the sky, to the One I call my Maker. My lungs fill and release with the sounds of desperation. My frustrations heighten, my throat stings and I desperately want to understand the meaning of this white box. I eventually sit in the corner. “Nobody puts baby in a corner” I mutter to myself. I put my frustration on pause to laugh at my movie reference and more so at the timing of it. As the world is moving, interacting, living I am surrounded by whiteness. Away from movement. Away from noise.  And I hate it; I don’t understand it. Here all of my fears lay—within these walls of isolation. Fears of being forgotten, of being bored.  Who will hear my voice, who will come to my rescue when my life is not as I expected it. The Earth is moving, people experiencing, and here I am stuck in the middle. Land locked. Box locked. 

I scream again, this time with words. Speaking to the big blue sky statements that end with question marks. My body shakes, my anger increases and the reality that none of it will help sets in. And so I stop and sit again; this time right in the middle.  Even if this did become home for awhile, it is so dull. There is no color, no excitement. The walls lack character and stand in blandness. If this be where I stay at least give me a colorful painting. Even a yellow couch would due.

I scream to Him once more. And then He speaks. His voice takes away my breath more than the incessant screaming I’ve been filling my lungs with. He speaks and peaces wafts over, yet my settings have not changed. I’m still in this stupid box. 

“Why me?” I ask. 

His melodious sounds come together to say, “Will you still love me even in this place. When everything seems dull and boring? Will you still turn to that blue sky and speak to me?Oh how I love to hear your voice. Your weak desperation to understand. Heaven moves when you look towards me. My heart shakes and your sound is like an orchestra. Oh please do not cease to yell to the sky. Do not silent your voice from me for I love it”

“But Lord,” I speak calmly for the first time since being in this white room, “Why have you placed me in this place, where is the promise of freedom?” 

“Does your faith just stand when your heart is comfortable? Or will you stay in the midst of white walls and still chase after me. My love is bigger than environment. Than circumstance. It is more beautiful than any painting you can hang on these walls. Hold onto my love and I will satisfy your desires. I will take you places. I am freedom. I am Love. I am the end. You need not look farther.  If you stayed in this box forever would you still love me? If these white walls surrounded you until the end would your heart still reach for me and will your voice still sing beauty to my ears? How strong is your faith my daughter? How much is your love for me?” 

There is only one way to look: up

I must stand in the midst of the whiteness where the air is fresh, the distractions are few and the chocolate is not to be found. Lord let me be found loving You in the midst of a chocolateless whiteness.