Chocolateless Whiteness

My thoughts on a Friday night:

I scream to the sky asking to be let out of this place. Four walls surround me like a box that height has no end. At least I think its a box.. it looks like it. It is cold, bland and white paint cover already white walls (a friend of mine would call it the fun and loving color). There are no windows, no doors and I am stuck standing in the center confused as to how I got here. I feel like I entered Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory as the little boy who shrunk himself into a television. He was in white too, but he had chocolate with him. I wish I had that. Instead I am alone (without chocolate), small, puny and feeling so weak. There is no one around and all I can see is a bright blue sky above me. It is day time, but I cannot see the sun. It must be somewhere else hanging out with people that are not in a box. I would be. Life is happening and I am here in this freaking box. Those selfish people. 

I take a giant breath of “white-box” air and scream towards the sky, to the One I call my Maker. My lungs fill and release with the sounds of desperation. My frustrations heighten, my throat stings and I desperately want to understand the meaning of this white box. I eventually sit in the corner. “Nobody puts baby in a corner” I mutter to myself. I put my frustration on pause to laugh at my movie reference and more so at the timing of it. As the world is moving, interacting, living I am surrounded by whiteness. Away from movement. Away from noise.  And I hate it; I don’t understand it. Here all of my fears lay—within these walls of isolation. Fears of being forgotten, of being bored.  Who will hear my voice, who will come to my rescue when my life is not as I expected it. The Earth is moving, people experiencing, and here I am stuck in the middle. Land locked. Box locked. 

I scream again, this time with words. Speaking to the big blue sky statements that end with question marks. My body shakes, my anger increases and the reality that none of it will help sets in. And so I stop and sit again; this time right in the middle.  Even if this did become home for awhile, it is so dull. There is no color, no excitement. The walls lack character and stand in blandness. If this be where I stay at least give me a colorful painting. Even a yellow couch would due.

I scream to Him once more. And then He speaks. His voice takes away my breath more than the incessant screaming I’ve been filling my lungs with. He speaks and peaces wafts over, yet my settings have not changed. I’m still in this stupid box. 

“Why me?” I ask. 

His melodious sounds come together to say, “Will you still love me even in this place. When everything seems dull and boring? Will you still turn to that blue sky and speak to me?Oh how I love to hear your voice. Your weak desperation to understand. Heaven moves when you look towards me. My heart shakes and your sound is like an orchestra. Oh please do not cease to yell to the sky. Do not silent your voice from me for I love it”

“But Lord,” I speak calmly for the first time since being in this white room, “Why have you placed me in this place, where is the promise of freedom?” 

“Does your faith just stand when your heart is comfortable? Or will you stay in the midst of white walls and still chase after me. My love is bigger than environment. Than circumstance. It is more beautiful than any painting you can hang on these walls. Hold onto my love and I will satisfy your desires. I will take you places. I am freedom. I am Love. I am the end. You need not look farther.  If you stayed in this box forever would you still love me? If these white walls surrounded you until the end would your heart still reach for me and will your voice still sing beauty to my ears? How strong is your faith my daughter? How much is your love for me?” 

There is only one way to look: up

I must stand in the midst of the whiteness where the air is fresh, the distractions are few and the chocolate is not to be found. Lord let me be found loving You in the midst of a chocolateless whiteness. 

Faith Overpowers the Insane

At dinner tonight a group of my friends discussed the necessity of faith. If one were to pick up the Book of Revelation, without any faith, he or she would think all who followed it's writings were absolutely crazy. In fact many already do. And sometimes I even do too. I am waiting for a Jewish man to come out of the sky, clean the Earth of all unrighteousness and bring His city. WHAT! Who believes this stuff. I do. We do. We believe that one day all things will be beautiful and our bodies will be made new; the corruption of this earth will vanish and we will meet with the One every person was created for. Faith is what leads our hearts to endure the process of laying down our lives. It is only in faith that we stay in this upside down, backwards calling. 

Jesus always knew He would leave His home and the Father always knew he would kill His son. This story is crazy. Romans 5:7-8 says, "For one will scarcely die for a righteous person-though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die- but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."  Jesus came down to save every soul from death. He, for some time, was made lower than the angels so that He may live next to the very men that despised him. He was hated and yet He still died for us. The world did not know who he was. They did not know His plan. He came in love for His people, to shepherd them back to His dwelling place, but they led Him to the slaughter. This truth leaves me unraveled--every single time. This is the a God that we have faith for. The one that gave it all. Without faith we will fall away from the kindness of this Man. 

The Gospels tell of a woman Jesus came in contact with while walking to the house of the ruler of the synagogue. Luke 8:42-48: 

"...As Jesus went [through the city], the people pressed around him. 43 And there was a woman who had had a discharge of blood for twelve years, and though she had spent all her living on physicians, she could not be healed by anyone.44 She came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, and immediately her discharge of blood ceased.

45 And Jesus said, "Who was it that touched me?" When all denied it, Peter said, "Master, the crowds surround you and are pressing in on you!"46 But Jesus said, "Someone touched me, for I perceive that power has gone out from me."47 And when the woman saw that she was not hidden, she came trembling, and falling down before him declared in the presence of all the people why she had touched him, and how she had been immediately healed.48 And he said to her, "Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace."

This woman had nothing. She was a nobody in society. For years she had strived for  health. Gave everything she had to physicians, but no remedy could save her. She was ashamed, humiliated, utterly despised by her own. She had every reason to hate the world, to hate God. Instead she stood in faith and in a last desperate effort for freedom reached for the hem of the garment of the One that stitched her very flesh--instantly she was healed. Verse 47 reveals that the woman came falling down at His feet trembling. She was not bold and mighty in appearance. She wasn't like a gladiator upon a horse ready for war. She was a feeble woman who had nothing left. She was weak, broken, desperate for healing and in that walked in faith for freedom.And what does Jesus do as he looks down on this "disgrace" to society. He says, "daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace." When we encounter that power, that love, nothing else can compare. When we feel the love of The Lord all else subsides and all we want is more of Him. Even the hem of his garment far outweighs any other lover. Nothing can satisfy like the touch of our own Creator.

This encounter is what gives us the faith to believe and His sacrifice is what stirs us to want to. When we just touch the hem of his garment we are forever ruined and nothing else satisfies. When we come in contact with the living God there is no other option but to fully follow His leadership. When He sacrifices His life I give Him mine. When He says forget all other lovers I say "take me Lord, I want to rest with You." And When He writes that He will return on a white horse out of the clouds and every knee will bow I say,"I will wait for you Lord." Because what else is there. Though there will be locusts with golden crowns and women's hair; though the water will turn to blood and millions will die, I stand in allegiance with the living God. I say yes to Him.My faith is set in an insane plan. My life is given to a Man that actually raised from the dead. It is weird. But it keeps my heart alive. Because even a small breath of His love or the hem of his garment has the power to take over all skepticism. If I only see Him for a moment it is worth the fight to find Him again and seek out His dwelling place. We need faith stay because without it the human brain cannot conceptualize it. 

Teach me how to walk steadily in Your ways. Continuing to forsake all other lovers and cling to You alone. Though I am weak I will prevail in Your strength because I am Yours. 

Oh the beauty of Jesus. Tis so sweet to trust in Him. 

Hanging on a Tree

As I close my eyes I watch the day True Love died—

Dark and somber the heavens of the earth hid the shining of the sun. The world does not know what is about to take place; they dance and twirl in the naivety of their flesh. Men blaspheme against His name, rejecting His kindness and yet He still presses on. I see the blood dripping as He takes each step; smeared by the corner of the wooden cross dragging behind, painfully carried on His raw back. They made Him look like ground beef and yet He keeps walking. I come into the knowledge of what is about to happened and I begin to weep. Louder and louder I reach for Him. God made Man, who has the power to obliterate every breathing soul instead chooses to live in flesh and pain achingly crawls to His death.  The procession of people stop. We are here, atop the hill that will forever be marked as the setting of Love poured out. A hush comes over the earth and every flesh and bone wait upon the silence of this Jewish man disconnected to the truth that He is their Maker. The cross is laid, the metal pierces through His hands, God made flesh now pinned to the wooden pieces of a tree that He at one time created. The blood of Sacrifice drips down and the sound of each drop hitting the ground rings in my ear. How can this happen? How can the One that gave me life die so cruelly? I cannot stand this. I cannot bear this injustice. 

My hands catch the drops of His blood as I sit at the foot of His cross. Dramatically aching for Him to not leave. The Creator of all, the King of kings, Lord of lords, the Incarnate that left His Holy dwelling to be born of a young Jewish woman in a smelly, dirty stable is now dying an unlawful death between two thieves. Flesh being torn from His body, pointed at and ridiculed. This holy man now hangs on a cross and there is nothing I can do, nothing I can say that will stop it. “This is how it must be, this must take place," He whispers, gazing at my painfully regretful face. The fear in my heart purges out and I fall to the ground wanting to just touch Him. I crawl on my knees attempting to get closer, but it feels too late. Did I miss You Jesus? Did I miss Your presence?He looks at me with a stare that is unlike anything I have ever seen before. Pain and sorrow, joy and conquer intricately woven together behind the eyes that will one day be enflamed with fire. —“I will return for you. I will come again to behold you. I will take away pain and tears,”—I lock eyes and cannot move. 

You are hanging on that tree for me. You are feeling the fullness of Your flesh to fulfill the prophesy of Your righteous and Holy plan. Dying a human death so that I may dwell in Your house all the days of my life. This deed is overwhelms me. Your love overtakes me and I cannot breathe. Choked by the beauty of Your sacrifice. Oh Jesus how You wholly and violently love me. With Your death I am made alive. And you made it to be that way. You have saved me. You have saved all of us. When we could not see, You knew. When we walked in the footsteps of foolishness You patiently waited for us to turn the other way. When we desired Your death, You selflessly sacrificed Yourself so that we may forever gaze into those eyes. On the cross You cry to Your father, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” You ask the Him for forgiveness on behalf of Your torturers. “I love you,” You scream and no one cares to listen. Oh God here I am to hear You. Here I am to worship at Your feet. I put my trust in You. I say yes to You. At the sound of Your last breaths I fall once more and give You everything I am. I will give you myself Lord. I will rest in Your sacrificing presence. Your death is not in vain. Your resurrection is the assurance of Your second coming; You will come back to have your inheritanceMy sins are forgiven and I rejoice in my new birth. Because of your death I am made alive. Because of your resurrection I will meet You again. Because of Your resting place on the holy throne I can feel You now, I can hear Your voice, experience Your emotions until that day You come back to dwell forever with Your beloved. 

The final hour comes and His last breath is expensed. Every emotion consumes me and I am left speechless, looking at the lifeless body, catching the blood of my Redeemer, every drop overtaking my sinful being and washing me whiter than snow.

I See Strings: Results of Sunday Night in the Prayer Room

Just as You hang the stars in the night sky You hold up my very being. Like a puppet I move at Your every word. Clinging as a bee does to its honey, though You are sweeter. Where would I be if You had not caught me, if You had not attached me to Yourself and intricately maneuvered me through every sunrise and sunset. I am your Rose of Sharon and You my morning star and the banner over me is love. We sing, say, preach, these things, but do we really believe it? Do I really believe it? Do I actually believe that when I talk Your heart moves. That when I gaze up at You things in Heaven shake. Oh what love You have for me that You would puppeteer a wretched child like me. 

I look out into the city abyss and see the world attached with strings to the heavens. Each one of Your creations You guide throughout life without fault or missed steps—forever unchanging. Why do You do it God? I must know. I must know how You can love us! How You can look over the balcony, peer into this darkened age, and yet still come for us. Strong like a lion and compassionate as a sheep, You never turn away Your eyes. You never run from Your beloved. As we each day only give you a piece of ourselves You wrap us in all of You. 

I look at the myriad of these strings across this earth, connected every which way—spiraling and crossing and some even zig-zagging—and my heart aches at the size of your love. Even the strings of those who completely deny Your presence are still attached. You still carry them in Your arms patiently waiting for the day their eyes meet Yours. How I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels to have your masterpiece stripped from You. The very ones you blew life into slander Your name, but You keep Your arms open. “Come to me” You say, and yet they do not move towards You. But You still stay. 

Ahh yes, we move You, I move You. I look to the heavens and sing, with my strings intact and my heart open to receive Your love and I know my choice is rightly made. I do not know why, but as my eyes fall on your glorious abode I know that its intensity overwhelms You. I can feel my strings become tighter as I release more of myself to You, but it is a tightness of freedom. I let go and You perfectly guide me. I give up and You rejoice as you passionately scream in my ear, “finally You are here at rest.” Chaos leaves, stress dissipates, and my body is left fully feeling last Thursdays nights ab workout—I’m alive. With my strings attached to the Heavens I look at my at my Beloved and fall down over the beauty of His perfected puppeteer skills and the undying desire to have His inheritance in this Earth. 

Salvation Not Found in a Hallmark Card

What does salvation actually look like? As I re-read the book Radical.  That question has been weighing heavy on my mind for days now and it only has lead to more questions and an aching hunger for God to answer. The intensity of this book is self-explained in its title and has uprooted the beautiful ache of my heart--to return to my First love.

As a sinner I was bound for Hell. For loneliness. For fiery evil and He took me from that. Salvation is not a task I can just cross of my list after completing it. It's an entrance into the narrow path. A gateway into understanding God done through fear, complete abandonment, and wholehearted love for a Man that came down and dragged by body out of the pits of Hell. I can't put salvation in a cute Hallmark card or celebrate it like a birthday party as if its a one day occasion...it's a call to live a lifestyle given over to Christ. We need to stop wasting our time with finding cute phrases of how non-believers can say the magical words and be instantly saved. There are close friends I know that are not saved. Many nights I ponder if they ever really will believe in God. But in truth…many people 'believe' in God...but do they live their lives for Him? Today the church is preaching a nonchalant, easygoing Jesus. They fit and manipulate God's character in a way that works best for them. They work Him in to the areas that need a boost of happiness, give Him two hours of focus on Sunday and Wednesday night bible studies, and think they have mastered the "art of Christianity". But God is completely other than anything we can create Him to be. Salvation should cause us to cringe in our skin at the darkness that surrounds us and drowns us. It should cause us to fear what will happen to us if we don't give everything to Him. It should cause was to have a deep groaning to touch His presence and love Him more each day. If we are to read the Bible for truly what it is we will see that salvation is not a certificate of completion, but an entrance into knowing Him. Salvation is the kindergarten stage of the Kingdom focused education system.

We have settled in our hearts that that one-day when we are feeling hopeless and emotional and we haven't eaten or slept for 12 hours and we say yes to Jesus that that's it. Life as a sinner going to Hell is over and we now sit waiting for our crown and sash. But I refuse to believe that is all. We are a wretched, selfish generation to think that God exists to make our lives comfortable and easy here on earth. As my pastor always says, Please do not hear what I am not saying. I believe that we can't earn anything from God, by His grace He freely gives and enjoys blessing His children, but that is not the sole reason why we were created. We are meant to glorify Him with everything that we have. We can't treat God like a gumball machine that He gives candies to. He's more than that. We are the broken He is the healer. He loves us in our weakness; He loves us through the days we struggle to love back. And He desires that for all the days of our lives we cry out to Him for help.

The Lord is so freaking kind. He waits patiently for that day we look upon Him to be our savior and instantly accepts us into our love, but I can't accept the idea that you say yes to Jesus, live your life as you desire (looking no different from Jesus haters) and still be in perfect union with the King of Kings, Lord of Lords. It doesn't make sense. He deserves more than that. He is worthy of everything we have--all of our attention. We cannot degrade Him to some homework assignment we complete to just maintain happiness and well-being. He isn't some 12-step program we can just go through for six months and graduate. He is a God of process, the finish line to a lifelong marathon. We can't expect to go a fourth of the distance and know Him fully. He is an infinite God--we can never know Him 100%. But that is the beauty. He, in His "I am God, nothing for Me is impossible" ways show us that if we are completely dependent on Him He will take us through.  We are called to run the distance and endure the daily struggle to oppose the world. We are called to choose Him. Every minute say yes to Him. We are called to die to ourselves because when we lose the world, we will gain Him and eternity.

I want to stop preaching the message that we should be saved JUST to escape hell and start screaming at the top of my lungs that He's worthy of our complete adoration simply because He is the Creator. He is the one that made all of this come to be. He is the sole reason of yours existence and mine. He is beautiful and majestic and unlike anything else and for that reason I want to know Him. Not because of what He can do for me in my life, but because of who He is; He gave up everything to be with me so in return I should give Him my small pee-wee anything of a life to Him.

Salvation is the beginning into picking up our cross and denying ourselves. It's a journey of daily dying. I can't just sit back and leave salvation at a small prayer we say to Jesus at a conference one weekend and believe that we are living a life completely devoted to Jesus. Don't you think if this life was just meant to escape Hell then when we say those magic words we'd instantly be in Heaven. But that's not the case. There is a reason we stay on Earth even after we say yes to Him. That is only the beginning. To truly love Him we must obey Him. We must look in the Gospels and follow what He commands. To sell everything, leave the comfort of the world in order to find eternal life. I am not okay with the entire reason of existence being watered down to a short ten second prayer of inviting Jesus into our hearts. Anyone can say it, but can we actually do it? Can we actually allow Jesus to come into our heart and plow out the darkness, the greed, the pride we carry in the accomplishments of the flesh? Can we allow Him to remove everything that the world finds worth in and let it be replaced with the things a poor, Jewish carpenter finds worthy? Can we let Him groom us into vessels for His work instead of attempting to hire Him on staff to maintain our self-proclaimed, self-glorifying cruise ship? Can we lay down the workings of our hands and daily pick up His desire and plans?

Oh how I so badly want to say yes to all of those questions. But in honesty I can't. So many parts of my life are trapped under the fear of man, the disbelief in His PERFECT leadership. so many times I step back and try to fix the flaws myself. I put God on hold until that moment I really need Him. But I always need Him, not sometimes, not just one time. It's impossible for any human who was created to worship the Lord, live in the true fulfillment of their calling and not know Jesus. It's sounds almost like common sense, but we so often look for it somewhere else because its easier than facing a God who offends people through love.

As I leave the comfort of home, say goodbye to the luxury Orange County so openly offers, the cry of my heart is to return to my first love. To once again have that feeling that if I let go of His embrace I will stop breathing; the reality that when I am attached to His presence only then can I survive. I want to lay it all down again and find joy, true joy in doing so. Because nothing is mine, in this world there is nothing I own except a choice of good and evil and what I choose will determine my end, my eternal home. Our bodies may stop working on this earth, but one day, one day we will again rise and every one of us will forever be very, very alive. Where will we be, heaven or hell? The choice in this vapor of life will answer that question. Will it be in the presence of perfect love or the torture of emptiness?

Once again I am declaring abandonment. I am crying out for a spiritual strength to leave everything behind for the One that gave it all. I am a lowly branch connected to the eternal vine and without Him I am nothing.

Lessons Hidden in the Aftermath

Following Jesus is not a promise for an easy life. We do not say yes and in exchange receive an instant happy pill. Unlike our societies fast-food, "I want it now lifestyle", God enjoys a process. He likes leading us step by step and along the way teaching us how to be more like Him. This Christian walk is hard. We will mess up. We will struggle. Our pride will crash and burn in the most inconvenient, embarrassing ways possible.  But that is where God's teaching course begin. He takes our mess ups and transforms our hearts to deal with them like Jesus did.

We can't walk this life with the mindset of how not to fail. If we do, fear of failure will only cripple us into complacency. We are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world. We will mess up--it's inevitable. But it is the aftermath of our failure, of our stupid inevitable hiccups, that God uses to show us how to live a life rooted in Christ. In those moments where our pride is broken and all we want to do is quit and believe the lies that things will never chance we must look at the face of Jesus. We put ourselves lower and repent. We forgive those that have wronged us. We delete the past and move forward into what He has called us to, into the process of loving Him. 

Oh how I am sick of getting caught up in the idea that we all deserve equality or to be treated "fairly".  In all reality our human nature screams sin! We don't deserve kindness. We aren't worthy of forgiveness. We don't even deserve Heaven!  The only reason we have an inheritance is because a sinless Man died on a cross to be with us.  We pride ourselves on being right and not making any mistakes. We attempt to walk through life as the perfect poster child. But God has a different plan. He destroys our pride and teaches us how to walk in humility. That is where we find Him. That is where we grow in love. This life is not a one way ticket to Heaven. Jesus is offensive, He is challenging, but He wins us over when, in that,  He doesn't leave us. He uses those struggles as a stepping stone to dive deeper into His love. His promise is not happiness, it is eternity in perfect love. He likes watching us evolve into loving Him. He smiles when we lower ourselves and forgives despite whether the person deserves it. He enjoys us turning to Him in desperation when our hearts our beaten down and torn to pieces. 

Oh God how Your plan is intricate and detailed and I don't understand it, but I believe it is perfect and for that I open my arms and will follow. Teach me how to love better. How to put on the face of Christ. I want to love the same way you love. I want to be so transparent that as I talk to others they look through me and see You. My flesh is weak; rooted in selfishness, anger, lust. It wages war on my spirit. Help me listen to You and not the voice of my worldly desires. In those moments where my pride is ripped from me and I am left empty, I want to go lower. Take me deeper to the place where I can see You face to face. 

I will endure the process if it means I get to be with You all the days of my live. All of this struggle and pain will be worth it one day. In the midst of a prideful world chisel mine away.  In those moments where I am wrong teach me how to react rightly. Let me walk in humility as Jesus did.
I can't make it on my own. I can't breath without You inflating my lungs. I can't learn without You as my teacher. So come Jesus and reveal to me Your ways. Teach me how to respond in the aftermath of failure. I will follow. 

The Endurance of Burnt Toast

The other day a friend turned to me and said, “Holls… Jesus is actually coming back.” We were sitting on a giant cement block of a World War memorial looking over the Kansas City skyline. I had never been there before this night and I sat staring at the lights that illuminated the night sky. The cars moved, the sound of a train’s horn bounced between the tall buildings and people, each with a story, walked through the winding streets. And so we sat for three hours covering almost every stereotypical conversation that usually occurs when looking out over a city of lights. We were discussing how we sometimes cling to the very things that suck us dry. And in that moment, oh in that sticky mess, how we so badly just want our hearts to align with the logic of our minds. It is at precisely that moment where she mentioned His second coming.

Everything in this life is unto that day where Jesus rolls back the skies and comes for His bride. I feel so often that part in the story becomes a footnote put aside for a later time. It becomes this ethereal thing that each generation lazily and carelessly hands the responsibility over to their children and children’s children. But that only makes us ignorant. The Day the Lord returns should be the center of our life focus always. It should be the one event we prepare for more than any other. Our society is so mesmerized by the accomplishments of the flesh that we often miss the true meaning of life. We cling to comfort. We search for easy living, a day-to-day walk that doesn’t make us too tired or stressed. happiness thought to be found in luxury and accomplishment; the more zeros in our bank account total makes us better than another with one less. But in reality, making our first love a career or house or even a fancy car is nothing in comparison to knowing the Lord. Jesus isn’t going to come back one day and wonder what the interior of our car looks like; His priority is what our heart is focused on.  That must be our goal—our end. We must walk daily towards the truth that He really is coming back.

I sit here in this prayer room and I am hit with the terrifying truth that I now live in Missouri. For the past week I have had random freak out moments that cause me to pause and shout, what the heck have I just done! They have come when I am waiting for the officer to write me my speeding ticket, when I’ve burnt rice twice and once again have to settle with toast (that also burns), when I use a 50 cent fork to cook entire dinners. It is those moments when my closest friends leave and I am left alone in a house that is 85 degrees and infested with demon-possessed crickets that defy the death trap of a lawn mower where I wonder how I landed here. Why I ever chose to leave the sweet bliss of my hometown. But it is also in this prayer room that I find my answer. As we sing, "for from you are all things and to you are all things” I am reminded why I came. I am living to prepare for a wedding that will be my gateway into eternity. These sweet moments in a prayer room I’ve spent so much time in causes my heart to yearn for more of Him. Nothing else matters when we are exposed to the love He has for us to be with Him where He is.

My friend is right. Her heart is focused on our upward calling as the inheritance of Jesus. In the midst of trial and tribulation she turns to Her father, to the One she moved here for. She is an intercessor fighting to know who our God is. She defies the world’s lies of comfort and instead gazes upon the beauty of a Man who is actually going to come to us. We don’t come here for easy living, but for a meaningful chase after Jesus. He is coming back. He wants to marry His bride. He wants to bring us perfect love. That truth makes everything else manageable.  When I’ve killed my 7^th spider for the evening and my prayer room walk home buddy is 4408 miles away and all that I’ve known in the last 6 months is gone,  I can find comfort in His unchangeable being. I can look back at His face and know He has not left. I continually return to the basics, the milk and honey, and answer the simple redundant question: why am I here? In a place that has no need for indoor steam rooms I have come for only one thing: to know the One who has stolen my heart and to prepare for a wedding feast that is promised to occur. He is my reason. His 2^nd coming is why I endure the taste of burnt toast. He has stolen my heart. Against all opposition, all laziness, any movement that occurs around me, I will run to my Bridegroom because one day there will be a wedding and I want to be dressed accordingly.